Flash Isn’t Fit: What Dating Reminded Me About College Admissions

It turns out the same instinct that leads people to swipe right on the wrong person is the one that leads students to build the wrong college list.

I see this pattern all the time in my work. I have also seen it in my own life.

I have spent enough time on dating apps to know that what looks good on paper does not always translate in real life. Photos are outdated. Priorities do not align. I have even walked past someone more than once because I did not recognize him from his profile. And if I am being honest, there have been moments when I have been so relieved to find someone who seemed normal that I ignored things I should not have.

That instinct, the willingness to override what I already know, is the same pattern I see students fall into when they build college lists.

The Pull of What Looks Impressive

I watch students build lists based on what sounds impressive. Rankings, brand names, prestige. I understand the pull. Impressive feels safe. It feels like it must be right.

But the people who rank colleges do not have to live there. They do not sleep in the dorms. They do not eat the food. They do not sit in crowded lecture halls or wait in line for office hours. Students do.

And yet I see students prioritize what looks good over what will actually feel right in their day to day lives.

The Illusion of Potential

I have learned how easy it is to get pulled in by potential. I have stayed in situations longer than I should have because something seemed promising, because it looked like it could be something. That is not the same as it being right.

I hear the same thinking from students. It is okay that they do not have exactly my major. I will probably change my mind anyway. I do not need to play club lacrosse. I will figure out how to get to the places I need once I am there. Travel logistics do not really matter.

Maybe. But that is not a strategy.

Potential is seductive. It allows us to fill in the gaps of what we hope will be true instead of paying attention to what is actually there.

Ignoring My Own Data

This is where things tend to break down.

The information is usually there. I just do not always trust it. At a certain point, I am not missing the signs. I am choosing not to listen to them.

I see the same thing with students. A campus visit does not feel right. The environment feels off. The academic structure does not match how they learn. But the school is impressive. The name carries weight. It feels like an opportunity they should want. So they override what they already know.

What Actually Matters

Fit is not something I can rank or measure easily. It is not flashy. But it is everything.

It shows up in how I feel in a space, whether I can be myself, whether something feels sustainable over time. For students, it shows up in the environment, the support systems, and the day to day experience of being there.

The right choice is the one where I can actually show up and function well.

Discernment Is Not Being Too Picky

One of the most important shifts I try to help students make is understanding that they are allowed to have criteria, and that those criteria matter.

When students define what they need in order to be successful, everything changes. They are no longer chasing schools. They are evaluating them. Colleges have to earn a place on their list.

I have found that the same is true in dating. Having priorities does not make me high maintenance or unrealistic. It means I know myself.

It is reasonable to want things that will shape daily life. A particular academic structure. A living environment that feels comfortable. Support for something that matters. These are not extras. They are the experience.

What is not helpful is chasing something vague like “the best.”

At the same time, I am always clear with students that discernment is not one sided. Colleges have priorities too. At some point, a student has to earn a place on the college’s list as well. That tension is real, and it is part of the process.

The Skill That Matters

The skill is not finding the most impressive option. The skill is recognizing the right one.

It requires paying attention to what is actually in front of me. It requires trusting my own reactions. It requires being willing to move on when something does not align, even if it looks good on paper.

Not everything deserves a spot on the list.

Why This Matters in My Work

When I work with students, I am not trying to help them get into the most impressive school. I am helping them recognize where they will actually thrive.

This is not about expecting perfection or refusing to give something a chance. But it is about trusting what I know about myself.

Even at seventeen. Even later, when I should know better.